God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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