I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize