I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
