Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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