I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
