The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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