Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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