he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The power of my boobs compel you
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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