Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
