I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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