She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
