today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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