Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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