Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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