There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
