When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
