My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
