The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
