How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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