Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize