dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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