I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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