I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
