Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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