I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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