dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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