You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
