Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize