just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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