literally had 100 drinks last night.
he thought i was a dude.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
