my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
