she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
