My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
