just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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