I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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