two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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