Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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