I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize