My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
