My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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