you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
