If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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