we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
