Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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