Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
