drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize