i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
