The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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