I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
