The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
