Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
