1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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