she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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