I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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