wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
