Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm always down for nudity.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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