she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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