I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
