If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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