I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
