I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
