she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
