I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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