Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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