He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
