What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
sarcasm needs its own font
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
