I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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