Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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